This wasn’t really meant to be a “what are my New Year’s Resolutions” type posts for 2010. You don’t give a fuck about that shit anyways as much as I don’t feel the need to write about it as my own sort of vindication but after reading this article Do You See Things Clearly? at a slightly embarrassing site titled, TinyBuddha.com, perhaps it was fate??? After spending a good chunk of quality time with friends the past few weeks and going through some unfamiliar scenarios and situations, the overall consensus from all my friends was, “you think too much”.
Typically, this has been a trait that I was rather happy about. Being progressively intuitive at every turn and embodying a certain lust for knowledge were things I would consider strong suits. Eventually I would hope this would help me in seeing how the fuck everything ties in together as one unified and cohesive relationship that we call life. But as it turns out, just as being boring and under-analytical, there lies an unfortunate flip side. Have I gone against the conventions of letting things happen “organically” (the 2009 word of the year I reckon) cause I tend to look too far into things or take them for too much face value which then spirals into its own mis-guided tangent haha? I don’t know and I’m not sure if I’ll figure it out. My one mention of my friends was that you don’t let shit just happen, you’re always out there trying to figure it out before it plays out. Yeh, and why not? Why do something without knowing the general outcome I wondered. But with this lies an entirely theoretical way of approach that plays much emphasis on the validity of your personal deductions. I don’t think that I am always right, far from it, meaning that the weight I put in my decision-making is often off the mark… hmmmm.
I wish sometimes I could just tune the fuck out but it doesn’t seem all that easy. In the aforementioned article, there seems to be something admirable about that one point in time when you can just claim total serenity. I wouldn’t mind that just for once maybe, feeling good about doing absolutely nothing and not enduring a harsh personal critique of yourself regarding how you’re falling behind cause you aren’t taking a crack at one of life’s many riddles. I have this continual fear that if I’m not “always on” and always applying myself, I’ll inevitably fall behind.
The main shit that this whole Buddhist mentality has given me has been letting go which FML I can’t do it. I take shit to the extreme more often that not and it was something I previously considered one of my best traits haha. But while I’ve managed to tone things down, I’m not sure if giving up this whole core concept of constant thought is one that I can give up so easily. But what I do need is just that little taste or nibble of what it means to “see clearly” and with it is the beginnings of balance I’ve found out.
If you haven’t guessed it already, I guess part of me in 2010 wants to think less. Oh yeh, sorry about the weird title, didn’t mean to come off pretentious or some shit but I thought it was something sort of ironic haha.
-Eugene